Elsa May Bullen

As her Mother, on one hand, I can't believe this is my first post on her.... on the other hand, of course I can understand. Still, seems there should have been an announcement.

Life is full and has reached a level of stress I would not wish on anyone. Still, I am surrounded with love and in those moments I feel rich... richer than I ever have.

When did you lose it?

We went to the beach Friday. Fort Snelling Beach. It was a warm day and the kids love to play in the sand and water. It is a time that they play well with each other, play independently and we all play together. It is fun to be there and to watch them with such delight and envy. They both love to get wet and covered in sand. They dig tunnels, build little castles, run around and knock everything down.

As I sit and watch I ponder thoughts of being dirty and when it was that I stopped playing like that. I find myself stopping them as they excitedly run towards me... "Careful, don't get sand on the blanket. Hey, I don't want to get wet..." And I wonder, why not? What is a little sand and water... or even a lot?? We are at the beach?! What if I got down there in the water and sand with her? Would the everyday worries and stress get lost, could I let go?
I've not yet allowed myself to do this but am thinking I need to give it a try. It's too easy to get caught up in the uptight worries of sand in the car, in their seats, etc.
This particular day was ruined by just that. Me running around upset trying to get them cleaned up, while they just laughed and got dirty again. Of course I felt like they were laughing at me when they were just enjoying themselves and finding the lightness in life I often lose. In that moment it is often difficult to see this, but they taught me something that I was able to hold onto the next time we went. Let go, breathe, laugh and have fun. It's just sand!

So, who knows, it might not be long before I am down in the ponds of water and sand, digging, laughing and dirty as can be!

It's been awhile...

I think about updating.
Not a lot.

Maybe it is more that I think and see things, events, I would like to document. I just don't.
Life is full and there has been a lot to think about, a lot to try and figure out. And we do what we can to get by, really work hard and do our best. Still, life feels like a struggle at times. And I think... really? Cmon' another thing?! Do we need another "thing" another challenge. And when I look at the big picture, when I look around me and I breathe in what's most important... I know. This too shall pass. Oh, let's be real, it doesn't take away the worry or stress but it helps me breathe and in accepting those feelings as part of life, as part of me, I am able to be more in ease and enjoy the joy around me. Yea, I'm freaked and I don't know what's going to happen AND I am excited, I am in love and it is a beautiful day. I choose to be in this moment.

Carl lost his second tooth. It was a bitter sweet moment. The entire process was. He was so worried about it falling out while he was sleeping he created protectors in his bed. An extra pillow, tissues all around. I can't say it all made a lot of sense to me... yet in his mind, it all helped and brought him enough ease to go to bed and rest. That works for me. The next day he wanted me to cancel school. He was concerned it would fall out there. We wiggled and wobbled it and I was able to convince him that is was in there enough that he would be safe.
After school he asked if I would just pull it out for him. He was clearly obsessed. So after lunch we looked again. It was pretty loose. I put a tissue around it, pulled a little and it just came out. When I put another tissue on the "hole" he said, "Momma just pull it out, please?!" Then I showed him it was already out. He got a very big smile.

I made a little box for him to put his tooth in for the tooth fairy and that night he set it beside his bed. We turned the light out and went downstairs. We could hear him rustling and I suspected he was playing with the box. In the morning he said he grabbed it and hugged it under the cover with him because he wasn’t sure he wanted to give it to her. I figured this when I went in and I couldn’t find it... Until I reached under his covers. (He sleeps with the covers pulled and tucked under his head. He said it keeps him safe .) Anyway, we talked about how he doesn’t have to give his teeth away, if he wants to keep them or ask for the one he sent back, he can do that. He is thinking about it. Such amazing minds!

First tooth to go...

April 17th, 2009 Carl lost his first tooth. We discovered it just by chance and then the wiggling began and shortly after it came out. It was very emotional. Exciting as well as... well, Carl said, "I feel like I could cry." I think it is the feeling of life transitioning, the feeling of growing up as well as a feeling of loss. Hmmm.... guess that is a feeling that ever goes away!

Our first snow

We got our first snow today. Not much of a snow but enough to get everyone excited.
This is good. Willow has been saying she doesn't like winter or snow. Brian said this is my fault and that I need to be careful what I say. Apparently I heavily influence our children. Who woulda' thought? So last night I was saying things like, "I love winter! I love snow! I love to stomp in it, play with it, make snow people..." And Carl chimed in, "I like to eat it!" So Willow started thinking about it and finally said, "I'll eat snow! I like snow." Thank goodness because it was snowing when we got up today.
She immediately wanted to go out in it. So after breakfast, and watching Carl off to school,we put on our "beginning of winter clothes" and headed out. I gathered what i could to try and help her make a mini snow person but every ball of snow I handed her ended up on the ground to be STOMPED on. Eventually she understood what I was trying to do and helped me finish. She carried it around for awhile and then asked," Momma, can I stomp on it?"


I am sure we will have a lot of fun ahead of us this winter. They will both be old enough to run, slide and stomp in it. This is good for me 'cause don't tell Willow, Carl OR Brian that I said it, but, I'm not crazy about winter. The snow is okay but I don't like to be cold!

Singing, silly and forced to surrender

I'm not exactly sure where all the energy comes from but it certainly comes in abundance.
It should be something we can bottle to access for ourselves when needed. Sadly it does not work this way.
This day was a particularly difficult day, but having this video to look back on makes it seems humorous at least. At the time, I felt both a deep love as well as a loss of control as I was forced to surrender in the chaos. Yes, it is true, I had no control over anything this day and no choice but to give into it. Or loose my mind. Which I did as well, I think, what? I had already lost it?



It's been a rough month and I am worn out. Challenged in many ways through out my life, children, home, health, work, you name it... Today I put the kids to bed for nap, walked across the hall to my bed and collapsed. I just don't do that. Today there was no choice. Truth be told, I laid down and just cried feeling defeated by the weight of everything. And then I slept dreaming of the same chaos, but sleeping just the same. I awoke to Carl calling to me... when I went in he smiled and said, "I love you Momma." It is hearing his and Willow's words, "I love you so, so much Momma" that make it all bearable and give me the strength I need to get through the rough patches. Oh they know how to push my buttons, but they also know how to warm my heart!

Learning to relax

The week is full of work and often I find the work trickles into the weekend. Meetings, shooting, house work and planning, etc. However, I have been trying to "work" my way into taking the time off and just focusing on family and relaxation.

Every other Saturday Brian and I rotate so that we can each get some time by ourselves as well as so I can get a day with just me and the kids. Yesterday was my day to do whatever but I was feeling like I needed to be with my family. I thought a trip to a museum or something would be good. But as the morning went on, we were all kinda lazy, and we just ended up lounging around here. I have to admit, it was really nice. There's a lot of time spent on trying to find things to do, but sometimes it is nice to just do, nothing. There was a lot of laughing, dancing and running around.

Today however was so lovely we thought we should get out. So, we drove to the MN Arboretum. It was beautiful.It was slow walking and a little carrying.
There's a tree exhibit that includes interactive sculptures. One was an oak tree with many silver balls beneath it. Carl and Willow really enjoyed looking at them, at themselves and others in them, and playing them like musical instruments.
We sat for a picnic and watched a hummingbird nearby.
The kids liked all the waterfalls, fountains, etc. Except of course when Carl decided it would be fun to splash water in Willow's face from a fountain. That was followed by a lot of tears and the decision to go home. All in all it was a pleasant and relaxing trip. Made me miss the country.
I think we all left rather tired. Though I think we all started that way too!